Recouping from an Emotional Hernia

I am oh so proud of myself this afternoon...sitting here...rewarding myself with a Coke in the a/c at the computer...just til it cools down a little...I have some red columbines to plant that I dug up from my mom in law's yesterday....it will be soothing to play in the gardens and get some dirt under my nails and well...just breathe after today.

I have some really shitty hateful nasty history behind me. And that's a good place for it. BEHIND ME!!! But today was one of those rare occasions when it all was thrown back in my face tenfold and I had to sit there and be polite and smile. I hate that shit!!!!! But I was a good girl....even though it cost me....an emotional hernia!!

See, I was friends with this woman with four girls who was, unbeknownst to me, a professional back stabber. She brought her kids to my daycare back in the day and all was good...until she started sleeping around with my recent ex-husband. Now the sleeping around part didn't bother me at all....I was soooooo over him. I really could have cared less. It was all the lies and bullshit and pot stirring she pulled in the process. She had my ex and I so pissed off at each other we couldn't even communicate...and it was all a bunch of lies. He moved in with her and her four...like he didn't even spend time in the house with his three when we were married??? And then they got married and she turned his entire family against my kids in one form or another....It was a hateful drawn out mess. At one point in time my oldest. My Gypsy, decided she couldn't tolerate the bullshit and she stopped going to her dad's house all together. Considering she spoke her mind in a most bullheaded fashion....just like her momma...and he got violent with me...I decided to back up my Gypsy girl and not make her go anymore. If he'd have put a mark on her, I'd have had to kill him. He turned his back on his kids and took this hateful woman's side every time...right up til he caught her cheating on him....bout fucking time you idiot, the whole county knew about it before you figured it out. And then they got divorced, but she still lived at the house for a while and they still slept together for a while and geezzzz who gives a shit now that my kids are out of the mix!! At one point in time...they were getting into knock down drag out fights and calling the cops on each other and one of them would be hauled off to jail, and a couple weeks later...they would be back together and a couple more they'd be back to fighting again.....I found it all quite humorous after everything my kids and I had been thru.

In all of this, my middle daughter, the Bohemian, and the bitch's second child became friends...kind of like two kittens huddling together in the midst of the maelstrom...and the friendship still stands to this day. So the Bohemian's friend got knocked up and the bitch and her even bitcher mother (yeah, she treated my kids like shit at Christmas when they were forced to go to her house and watch the bitch's kids open up tons of expensive gifts while they got little to nothing...how do people play those fuck up games????!!!!!) put on a baby shower today. Of course my Bohemian was invited and the daughter..well, she was in my day care for a time and one of my baby's good friends so of course she's in my heart and we talk often over the net...I was invited too. WELL JUST FUCKING GREAT!!! Now I had no problem going to the baby shower for the new mommy. I am delighted for her almost as much as I am delighted it's her and not my daughter about to have a baby at the tender age of 20. But I had to sit there, smiling...pushing my self control to the point of breaking..to keep my mouth shut at all the things that came to mind to shout at that bitch. For all the times she hurt my kids...for all the knives she stuck in my back...for all the bullshit she caused in our lives. And I had to sit there and smile like none of it happened for the sake of her daughter...who deserved a nice baby shower without me beating the ever-lovin shit out of her mother. So I guess it's okay to pull all kinds of crazy bullshit and act like a psycho...cause in the end...everyone still has to be nice to you for the sake of the kids. The whore actually came up and tried to hug me when we first got there. Oh I don't fucking think so. You keep your nasty little knife welding hands off me!!! I have enough scars in my back to last a lifetime...thank you very much!!!

And then there was the other grandma who attended the shower. The daughter's dad's mom. A matriarch of the small town she lives in...or so she thinks. Back in the day I rented a house just a few doors down from her after I divorced the kid's dad and ran my daycare....which I had for years....but she didn't want her four granddaughters going to my daycare...she wanted them to go to her other daughter in law's house who also ran a daycare....so she pulled shit every other week and called me in on some of the most random bullshit I've ever heard in my life. And the health department would come out and find out it wasn't true...but of course, job security..they'd look to find something wrong to write me up about...like my aluminum foil wasn't in a locked drawer...or my discipline policy wasn't posted in a good spot...or I couldn't PROVE my puppy had been wormed. Stupid shit that has nothing to do with the quality of care of the kids there. That went on the entire time the bitch was in a long and drawn out divorce from the grandma's precious lazy ass son. I think the whole family got involved at one point in time and took turns calling. It was never one of my parents calling...just some random anonymous caller trying to do the community a good deed. Oh fucking bite me!!! And of course they were all there as well today...all smiles like they aren't the fucking assholes I know they have been to me in the past. Like we can sweep it all under the rug and they aren't held accountable anymore for the shit they stirred years ago against me and mine. Well...here's a little news flash. What goes around comes around folks...if you haven't got your's yet...it's still coming!!!!!

Soooo anyhoo. I sat there...smiling...watching the new mommy open her gifts and gritting my teeth. There are times I amaze myself at my own self control. I must have it in spades. It was painful to be sure...thinking back to all that crap that I kept remembering sitting in that little backassward town community building...but I did the Swan dance I would be famous for if I wasn't so fucking good at it. Calm and collected on the surface...paddling like a mutherfucker under neath. And I knew I was giving myself an emotional hernia. I knew I was carrying too much hurt and pain and weight from the past. But I went and I sat there and I smiled at the new mommy and her boyfriend...Mr New Daddy...and I hugged them as soon as the gifts were opened and got my ass outta there. I'm not sure how the Bohemian faired. She drove her own car and she's a big girl...she brought a friend along who was also friends with the new mommy, so she had back up. I came straight home and began the recuperation process. I'm safe once again in my own little paradise with my dogs and cats and flowers. All the shit from the past is now safely back in the past....cept for this little hernia bubble...which I will work thru playing in the dirt as soon as my flowerbed is back in the shade. It was a sucky time...but I survived, and I didn't draw blood...even though I would have been well within my rights to have done so. I was the bigger person...I guess. I'm just pissed as hell my Gypsy didn't come with me...cause I figured we could be each other's back up. She was smart and pulled out before she suffered any damage. I'm thinking I should follow her example more often!!!

Oh Look!!! It's 5:15...medication time!!! Probably have to drink an extra one tonight...I have earned the treat and I do have this EMOTIONAL HERNIA!!!! Wonder if I could get a couple sick days for that??? Nah...I got to much to do battle with in the coming week to pull a mental health day now. So yeah...that's the dill pickle bout that!!