Saturday, February 19, 2011

MRIs and lessons from old dogs

So life is for learning, and I learned a few new things yesterday. First off, I had my first MRI. NOT what I would call an enjoyable experience. There really is nothing to it. You just lay on your back and they put this nice soft little triangle pillow under your knees...I crossed by legs at the ankles cause I'm into comfy like that. And they cram your head into this vice will all kinds of pillows and spongy shims and then they put this weird looking white plastic muzzle over your face, but it's all good cause you can still see out of it and then they roll you into a teeny tiny space that makes LOTS of noise and you just have to hold very still. No biggy right?!! Except you can't see anything except the ceiling of this tiny tube you're in, which is only a few inches away from your face and suddenly you're trapped and you can't get out, cause you're head is wedged in like a small dog under a fat lady's ass and you seem to find there isn't enough air to breath and you wonder what is making all that knocking noise till you realize it's just your own racing heartbeat in your plugged up ears. OH HELL NO!!! NO thank you, NOT liking this shit at all.
So I tell this little technician who is working with me, that I don't want to sound crazy, but I'm freaking out in this tiny little tube. And her voice is coming thru the speakers on my head phones which are smashed up against the side of my head and tells me it's very common to experience those feelings and she can bring me back out if I need a minute. OH YOU SILLY WOMAN...if you get me out of here do you honestly think you are ever gonna get me back in?? So I say no, just keep talking to me, cause I freaking out a little and it will help to think I"m not alone. She says, just shut your eyes and relax and listen to the music. Soooooo, I keep taking huge breathes...while I can still suck air all the way in the back of this mile long tube I'm in, and I realize I've got a foot bouncing 90 miles an hour and I"m thinking...this probably doesn't fall under "hold real still", so I'm trying to keep it still and still suck air and she says she's starting the first set of pictures and I'm gonna hear a lot of noise but it's oooooookaaaaaay. So then she starts up the jackhammer and I can't even hear my own heart beat anymore for all the noise going on in this tiny tube. Well GREAT!! I'm just lovin' this shit all to hell!!!! But she kept talking and I kept sucking air....and then, I hear these weird little clicks and I feel some movement and I think...OH THANK YOU JESUS, I'M COMING OUT!!! So I open my eyes. BIG MISTAKE!! There's that fucking ceiling two inches from my face, closing in on me. And with the jackhammer silent, I can now again hear my racing heartbeat in my head. Oh good, now here's a beat I could dance to. So I start singing Ke$ha songs in my head to the beat of my racing heart. She then comes thru my head phones and tells me she's starting the NEXT set of pictures and I'll hear this grinding noise for 2 1/2 minutes, but it's oooooookaaaaaaaaay. BULLSHIT!! It's not OKAY. I'm loosing it in here!!! I just wanna go home!! MOOOMMMMIEEEEEEEE!!!!

And that's when I started wondering where or how I ever got this ridiculous fear of tight spaces. How did this bullshit happen? When I was little, I use to build hay forts with the boys next door. We did some elaborate mazes in those old barns full of the old square hay bales. We had a ball crawling thru those tiny tunnels and finally making it back to the pitch black cavern at the end. I was all of 8 or 9 then. But now I am a grown woman. I'm not scared of the dark, or things that go bump in the night....which is usually a cat or dog I have accidentally displaced rolling over in my sleep. I have wisdom and knowledge. And you couldn't get this mature woman to crawl back down one of those hay fort tunnels for all the money on earth. Gezzzzzzz People and their weird shithead hangups!!! Where do they all come from? Well, after panic attack number 2 in this tiny little tube, I keep my eyes so tightly shut my teeth are aching by the time I'm finally done....oh...was I gritting my teeth too? WHO KNEW??? The whole thing took all of 19 mintues. When she rolls me back out, she gets a look at my white knuckled hands grasping the cord to my headphones and my shirt and she laughs and says something like, Oh really were a little nervous weren't you. No....silly girl, I wasn't nervous, this was a joy ride. I always keep a death grip on my shirt in case somebody tries to steal it off my back!! I always break out into a sweat in the middle of the afternoon, cause I's a hard worker!!! I always find I suck most of the oxygen out of a room the size of a thimble. NO PROBLEMS HERE!! See, I didn't even wet myself!!!!

Well, somewhere in the midst of trying to say calm and still and not start screaming for the Lord like a black woman at a family came to mind that there was a Starbucks just down the road on Wanamaker from where I was lying here surviving the seventh realm of hell. And if I made it out alive, I should take myself there and get me what ever the hell I wanted, cause I deserved a treat for making myself deal with a panic attack I was NOT expecting. The large latte with one shot of vanilla was excellent!!! I hope to God the next doctor who suggests I have another MRI is not within slapping range. They will never know what hit them.

SO, I enjoy my Starbucks treat and finish my errands. I even stopped in to see a friend who never calls or returns my calls or makes any attempt to make a connection with me. I know a LOT of folks like that...anyhoo, it was a good day and I get home and collapse in my recliner. This is where lesson number 2 hits me. We have three sheperd mix dogs. One is an old gal. Mercy is 9 years old...a little on the heavy side as she's been helping herself to puppy chow for almost a year now. The other two are siblings, almost a year old, full of energy and mirth and well, mud at the moment. Now I'm sitting there trying to watch some History Channel thing that was on when I got home, and the two puppies are climbing all over me, so excited to see me. So happy I'm home, so trying to see which one can step on my bladder and make me piss all over my chair. And jealous little angels that they are, they fight over who can get in my face the now I HAVE TO PEE BADLY, thanks guys...and I push them off and make a mad dash to the bathroom, where they race beside me, cause you know they love a good foot race!!!

Well we came back out of the bathroom, and there's my old gal, sprawled out on the floor. Now she doesn't say a word to me...I get a tail thump..she knows I"m pretty good about stepping over her unless it's the middle of the night and I'm doing the bathroom dash in the dark. But here come the puppies and she bares her teeth and gives a low growl. Suddenly, these little hellions gain manners and tippy toe around her so very politely. Once past, they make a dash to Dad and his chair, cause they've been out of the room for a minute or two and they've missed their daddy oh so much!!!! And now they are both up in his chair stomping all over him. I'd yell at them, but he's the fool that started this shit when they were small enough to be lap dogs, so he can deal with them now!!! And I get set back down and try to get back into the show and enjoy my beer and dad yells and they exit his chair, and see that I am once again 'lap ready' and they come running back over to me. Then there's a noise outside and they go tearing thru the house to the doggie door to see what's up and mostly just to get their paws muddy so they can bring it back inside. And then they're back, tearing into the living room right up to Mercy...still sprawled on the floor who once again bares her teeth and growls. Instantly...these puppies become polite and running in the house....very cautiously stepping around her oh so carefully, and once past come bounding back 90 miles an hour to our recliners......and I'm watching this happened just a few...hundred times...and a thought starts to evolve in my head. I wonder what would happen if I just showed teeth and growled at people. Would they back off and give me my space. Would they stop their bullshit behavior and act right? Would they leave me the hell alone? Hummmmmmmmmmm Truly something I am going to have to try!!! It works for Merc!!!!! I don't know if you can teach an old dog a new trick, but they can certainly teach you one!!!! LOL
And that's just the dill pickle bout THAT!!!!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

It's let's try this again. God is still on the throne!!

OKay, so I started thinking about the fact that this is Sunday...and that means it's God's day, and we all have extra time to spend thinking about Him a little. So I did. And that reminded me of the church service that Happy and I went to last Sunday. Which was the first time in a long time I'd been to church, I'm sorry to say, and from the reception I got from some of the folks I use to know, it doesn't look like that's going to be a church I'll be attending either...BUT, I was thinking about the service, and the message and a question the pastor put out to us. Now the answers that popped into my head were very different than the ones he ended up usual...I'm always a little weird in my thought process, but it's all good. And that made me wonder how I was honoring God today...which lead me to make a second entry on my blog.

Mr Fixit and I got quite the scare on Christmas Eve. We came home late to a full mailbox, and in it was a letter from the life insurance company saying they were not going to insure him, cause his physical came back saying he had a disease. WHAT?? WHAT THE HELL???? Needless to say, it scared us pretty bad. But after going to bed, and not being able to sleep, and waiting til Mr Fixit was snoring and creeping back out to look it up on the internet and getting even MORE freaked out, I decided to shelve it. I wasn't going to let it ruin our Christmas because, God is still on the throne. Regardless of what kind of shit life throws at us, it doesn't unseat Him. So I preached to myself a LOT and as much to Mr Fixit as I thought he could stand without getting sick of me preaching at him. God is still on the throne. I even reminded BOTH of us that when we were headed to the Dr.'s apt last Friday. Regardless of what our doctor has to say, God is still on the throne, right Baby?!!! He's still in control, and we can get thru anything as long as we don't forget that!!! Well, according to our Doctor, who looked over the test results that came back with the letter, Mr Fixit was in very good shape, and it appeared he had been exposed to this disease, but by the look of all his organs, his system had fought it off and all he had was the anti-bodies left in his blood stream. COME AGAIN?? What did you just say??? You mean God knew way back when ever the hell it was that Mr Fixit got exposed that he would end up with a woman that pretty much wants him around all the time and He knew back then how it would be now and He made sure Mr Fixit's system could fight this off so no damage was done? Oh yeah, I remember now.......GOD IS STILL ON THE THRONE!!!!!

Well, we still had to go for more blood work, and he will have to see a specialist to confirm this second blood work test, but it's all underway and in the works right now and I am just NOT going to stress or worry over this because God really is still on the throne.

So today I am going to honor God my sitting here and remembering all the wonderful things He has done for me thru the years. Like this house I am sitting in, and the wonderful man I am married to. For not only our health, but the healthy kids we have, even though some of them make my ass twitch, they are all healthy and that's because God is still on the throne. I'm very grateful for my job and our paychecks and the ability to bless people. For my friends and their kitchens and for seeing things thru humorous glasses that allow me to laugh when the dogs come in and find me before they shake off the snow they just rolled in, or bring me a fatally wounded mole or a frozen horse turd while I'm sitting inside. Gotta love that damn doggie door!!! I'm grateful for the internet and spending time laughing with people I love and being able to make them laugh a little at life too. God is very very good. It's good to remember that. And that HE is STILL on the throne!!!

How's that for honoring God in your house, Happy?!! Did I do a good job?!!! I'm sure you did too!! Happy Sunday!!! And THAT is the correct dill pickle to have today!!! ;)

Shut the hell up!!

Today, I will practice my "Your kids, your call" motto and I will shut the hell up. This will not be easy!! And although on the outside I will act like all is right with the world, on the inside, it will not be pretty!! But I will follow thru, because I think it's very important to keep the goals you set for yourself. My wonderful husband will decide how he wants to handle the most current situations with his kids, and I will stay out of it and shut the hell up!!!! (Okay, actually I'm gonna whine a little here on my blog, but SHHHhhhhhhhhhhh!! Don't tell anybody, okay?!!)

The last time I conversed with Mr Fixit's youngest daughter she told me to Fuck Off. Okay, I can do that. I had attempted to help her out of a situation, which in turn pissed her mother off to no end, and she in turn threw a lot of her Drama Queen drama into my home and I drew the line. Which in turn pissed off her three kids with Mr Fixit, and suddenly I seemed to have grown horns, a pointy tail and started carrying around a pitch fork, according to them. And they were so convenienced that this was true of me that they, will the help of their awesome mom, decided their dad had to choose between them or me. Needless to say, they were not pleased with the outcome of that ultimatum. But their mom did get what she wanted, which was to kick their dad and me out of their lives for a time, so I'm sure she was happy. I don't think any of her kids figured out that was the goal all along, mainly cause they have their heads so far up her ass they can't think for themselves. Generating thoughts takes more oxygen than what they can get up her ass apparently, but oh well.

So now, the youngest is pregnant, and she has been calling her dad none stop asking him for things he is unwilling to give, and when he quit answering his phone, she started calling mine. Constantly!! Uhmmmmmm, sorry, I can't pick up your calls AND keep to what you told me to do the last time we conversed, so guess I'll just have to let it ring and ring and ring and keep 'Fucking Off'. Kids are just so hard to please, don't you think? We put her in a car, which she decided to sell and blow the money she got for she wants him to buy her another one. SORRY. One is our limit. Then she wanted him to co-sign a loan, but he has hideous years of bad credit, I'm the one with the 800 credit score, and I can't do it, cause I am following thru with "Fuck Off". Then she wanted money so she and her new husband could get their own place and move out of his parents. But she has no job, they can't afford the rent, and SORRY, Mr Fixit said no again. Then he quit picking up her my phone is ringing off the desk.

I'm sure in their little drama upbringing, it was never shown to them that when folks make mistakes they own up to them and apologize, sincerely. You learn that my example, which is why I ate so much crow when my kids were teenagers and I'd blow up at them, and then cool down and re-think my actions. I did a LOT of apologizing....still do in some cases to this day. Which is a good thing, I just hate getting crow feathers stuck between my teeth!!! So, I do feel bad that these three kids did not understand that some folks, namely me, follow thru with what they say, and what they are asked/told/screamed at to do. I feel it's time they learn this lesson, and I am just the woman to teach them. Sorry, I can't garage sale for baby items for you, 1) because I told you if you guys brought your mom's drama bullshit into my happy little world one more time, you would no longer be allowed there, and then you did, and I meant what I said...which may be a wild crazy concept to you, but it's another thing you will need to learn to manage adult hood, and 2) I can't help you out and Fuck Off at the same time. I am a super multi-tasker, but that would be a contradiction I just could not live with!!

So, I will choose to continue to Fuck Off, until such time as anyone of them would like to actually apologize for their behavior and well, basically trying to tear my husband away from me. I won't be getting involved in any way shape or form. I can choose for myself, that's the rules!! But, I will not choose for Mr Fixit. These are his kids and right, wrong, or just plain assholes, he loves them and there for it's His kids and His call and I will sit here blissfully and shut the hell up.

That's the game plan for this cold cloudy lazy Sunday. Dill Pickles all the way around for everyone...cause I'm just generous like that!!! Muwahahahahahahahahaha (my evil laugh!!)

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Not so bad after all

I am actually delighted with the new accounting computer system at work. It seemed pretty exclusive and entry difficult at first...and training on it has been a joke. But after a week of working on it, I'm very impressed with all the things it can do!!! It actually is much easier to manipulate than our old system. I am impressed!!! I can't even begin to express the relief that's flooding my this morning...knowing I made it thru the whole week and ran some checks and made it all happen. Now if everyone else would just get the lead out and do their jobs...this thing could work!!! The only problem that I see, is the person that was in the office that is too ADHD to be any earthly good to anyone has been relocated to the shop location (YEA!!!!!!!) and is now responsible for getting all the equipment invoices coded and to me (OH SHIT!!!!) Yeah, this isn't going to be pretty. Two weeks into the new year and I have a stack of invoices four inches high that I am waiting on her for packing slips and approval. So I showed all these to a few of the administrators in the office, just so they'd know what was up, and I've been told not to worry about's a new system and it's going to take a while for everyone to get adjusted and blah blah blah....OKAY!!! So I'm not going to worry, and I'm not going to bust hump when the end of the month rolls around and they want all of January in the system either....I'm gonna smile and say, "Hey...I was told not to ya know what??!!!! I'm NOT WORRYING ABOUT HER INABILITY TO DO THE JOB YOU PUT HER IN!!!!!" But enough about work, it's Saturday morning and I am free.....and very proud of my first big week on the new system!!!!

Okay, so I had a super cool epiphany this week. I just love it when those things fall into my head. And it goes something like this....The things in this life that you invest your whole heart in, are the things that you end up not regretting...even if they didn't turn out well, even if there were lots of bumps in the middle...even if it ripped your heart on occasion....when you look back you find that you didn't regret taking that path....cause you put your whole heart into it. As I looked back over my life, I found that the things I put everything into with my heart, are the things I do not regret...not even a little. And some don't even have good endings to them. BUT, in hindsight...I don't regret them. Pretty weird huh?!!! Yeah, that's the part I like!!!!

So I have the whole day to play....well, there's laundry and house cleaning and such, but nothing calling my name with urgency and I have all day to get things knocked out and make some kind of cool simmer all day in a pot kind of supper. I LOVE these lazy days and I have earned this one!! Did good at work and kept a positive attitude on the new system....Did not go off on a couple people that I wanted to kill!!!! Got all the bills paid and even mailed the checks!!!! The first load of laundry is spining out in the washer.....yeah, this old gal has earned a down day....and she is going to relish it to the fullest!!!!
And that's the dill pickle bout what's up in my world on this fine amazing wonderful Saturday!!!

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Hurry up and WAIT

It's Saturday morning....I get to sit in my home office and watch and wait for the sun to come up. I have a love thang going with my little winter birds....I don't get to see them very often at the feeders. I have several set up just a few feet from the house windows, and once they get use to you, it's almost like spying on their happy little feeding freenzy worlds. I love watching who comes up. Who is shy and who is bossy. Who eat well together and who whats the feeder all to themselves. I especially like watching the male cardinals come up and crack open seeds and then go feed their mates in the trees a few feet away. And the sun is up just enough for me to see that all the feeders are empty. SHIT!! How does this happen???? Must have something to do with the fact it's dark when I leave for work and dark when I get home. Too much running these days, which I hate. I want to come home and enjoy a little day light. No wonder I have that sunlight disorder thingy that makes you depressed in the winter!!! Well, my little birds will LUFF ME MUCHLY today, cause I bought some new feed for them at Walmart last night...THE ULTIMATE NUT AND FRUIT MIX for birds. Sounds impressive doesn't it!!! ULTIMATE!!!! Nothing to good for my little winged babies!! It's just sunflower and safflower seeds and dried raisins and cranberries...but's ULTIMATE!!! They love it in the summer...and it's been a while since I bought Happy Late Christmas to my birdies!!! Well....soon as I get my shit together enough to get out there and fill the feeders!! LOL

I have big plans for this day all to myself. I'm hanging new paintings in the living room that all my kids have done...which means I have to take down some of the old stuff and rearrange, but I'm getting some of their newer work up to enjoy....which will also make me clean out and rearrange the bedroom/storage room they are in right now...and that's pretty great too!!! And even though I thought to stay home for the whole day, I do have to get out and go make a deposit at the bank, which means I should find a favorite kitchen to visit...cause that was a resolution I was suppose to work on!!!! And I may have to venture to North T-town and look at metal shelves....cause nothing says reorganize like new shelving!!!!!! It's just nice to have a day where I don't have to do anything for Christmas or run anywhere. It's MY DAY. And it's so overdue, I'm not even sure where to begin.

Well, getting off this computer would be a good start...and the sun snuck up while I was busy keying..and now I can see the empty bird feeders with clarity so I really have to get started feeding EVERYBODY. Specially the CATS...gotta feed them first. Nobody wants to hunt on a full of the wild and all ya know!!! I hope you have a delightful day!!! And that's just the dill pickle bout that!!!!

Sunday, January 2, 2011


That's my new word for this month. Humbleishous. I love humility in myself. It came with a high harsh painful price tag. I earned it the old fashion way. I love the way if feels on me, and I think it makes me look good!!! I don't have to carry the weight of looking down my nose at people and their problems or their hardships or their heartaches...been there...done that...lived thru it. SO NOW I can feel empathy, which is so much lighter than judgemental aloofness. I can smile my sad little smile and feel bad they are hurting, or are embarrassed, or ashamed...and know inside that this is just the thing they needed to knock them off the high horse and make them less judgemental and aloft themselves. It really does end up being a good thing inside when all the dust has settled.
Of course you do have to take on a few new ideas and attitudes. The first one that came is handy is "Fuck what other people think". Yeah, it's a toughie to grasp when you live in a small town and need to be associated in little groups for this or that...mostly involving your kids. But when you break it all down, the 'OTHERS' in your life don't have to live your life, or pay your bills or deal with your why is it their opinions should matter in how you choose to live your life? Seriously?!!!!! Another one is "I don't care who are what is at the top of the gossip chain today". Yeah, it comes easy now...I DON'T CARE!!! I don't care who is cheating on who, or who left the bar with who, or who is having financial troubles. Doesn't affect my life one iota. So I stopped talking to a lot of people. Don't want to hear it!!! My life is much sweeter without trying to keep up on who is jacking over who. Most of the time when I hear something, it's months old...and then I tend to feel bad for the person..even if they were shitty to me at some point in time...and wonder if this experience made them a better person...sometimes I even want to reach out and say Hey, ya know's all good....this will turn into a positive learning experience for everybody...honest!! Get ready for some Humbleishous!!!! But somehow I don't think they would take it well from me...or be as excited as I am about the new humble attitude and how awesome it is.
The finally thing you have to take on is a little phrase....make a mantra of sorts. It goes like this. "There but for the grace of God, go I" Kinda Shakespearean...don't ya think? I haven't actually found it in the Bible, but it is very biblical....It simply means I can't be lofty and full of myself because I am not the drunk in the gutter, or the homeless guy on the corner with the sign, or the woman addicted to drugs stealing from her kids, or whoever. Oh I still get mad at things done to others by these fools. I still get disgusted at the heartache caused to folks because of people. BUT, I try very hard to remind myself that without God's grace in my life, that could very well be me...or it some way it may have been me in younger years. It helps to keep me humble. And that's the ticket for me.....Humbleishous!!! It just tastes good!!!!
And so, on the first week of the new month of the new year...that's the dill pickle bout my thoughts....I'm gonna be humble in the month of January...and if it feels good...I'm gonna take in on into February too!!! What's your new word????

Saturday, January 1, 2011


The beginning...that's a great place to start, don't ya think? A NEW beginning is even better, cause you've started once or more and you know a little bit more than the first time, so getting to start over is even better than just starting!! A FRESH start...that's sounds crisp and refreshing and fun. So, it's the new year and I'm sitting here gearing up to take my old ass into to it with a crisp fresh fun new beginning.
Resolutions? Not really....I like to learn as I go....or maybe I'm just at a point in time when I really enjoy myself and my circle of friends and I don't want or need anything to change, I just want to savor it a wintergreen lifesaver.....just rolling it around my mouth to make sure I get all the flavor and bite out of it...I have a tendency to crunch that kinda stuff up...never did make it to the tootsie roll in the center with out some CRUNCHING going on. So I'm not making a list of things to change....oh they are going to on their own without my help or approval, but I just don't feel the need to make any changes... but I'm gonna feel left out if I don't, so I guess there are a few things I'm gonna put on my to do list for the coming year.

I'm gonna MAKE the time to spend in some of my favorite kitchens in the county this year. I tend to spend all my free time at home, cause I love my home...even if I'm the only one here. But I think I should spend more time with some of my great and wonderful friends. So there, that's a goal, right?!! And I think I am going to try really hard to stop worrying about my kids and their futures. They will be just fine with our without all my fretting. It's quite ridiculous to fret over them and what will become of their happy little worlds!!! Okay...that's two...wheeew, better quit now before I work up a sweat.

Okay, well, then there's the flip have to decide what you learned in the previous year that you want to take along with you while you are tripping into the new one!! Nobody really focuses on that...but it's my favorite part....WHAT TO PACK FOR THE JOURNEY!!!!! This past year I learned even better that a positive attitude can push you over just about anything ugly and looming in your face. So the positive attitude is coming with me this new year. And I learned that it's the bullshit and the heartaches in life that make you who you are, and teach you how to be kind and compassionate and less judgemental and a whole lot more fun. So I revamped my attitude about worrying over all the mistakes my kids were making, or would make and came to realize that it's those mistakes and the learning from them that are gonna make them love themselves later down the I wanna take that little tidbit of wisdom with me into 2011. I learned this past year that my body is going to get old and I am gonna start loosing my strength and agility and I'm not gonna be able to do all the things I use to do. And that sucks, but it's also made me think in terms of down sizing and buying smaller and lighter and making the most of what I have in my capabilities right now. Appreciation is the key. I'm packing my appreciation for what I can do today in the old bag for the new year!!! I also learned even better that love is a huge hungry beast that must be fed, and the only way to get over the loss of someone you love dearly is to find someone new to love. A nurturer must nurture, and that's all there is to it. I didn't replace my beloved dogs that I lost in the past year, I filled the hole in my heart with some new ones that need my love and attention and time....I can't replace Prosper or Molly or Lazy Daisy kitty or my dad or grandmas, but I can fill those empty vacant holes in my heart with people and pets to shower with love. And doesn't that make the world a better place in the end? I think so. So I am gonna take that with me into the new year.

Okay, so my bags are packed and I'm READY!!! Are you? Let's all be trippin' into the new year. Who knows what it will bring, and what we will be packing up to take with us next year!!!