So life is for learning, and I learned a few new things yesterday. First off, I had my first MRI. NOT what I would call an enjoyable experience. There really is nothing to it. You just lay on your back and they put this nice soft little triangle pillow under your knees...I crossed by legs at the ankles cause I'm into comfy like that. And they cram your head into this vice will all kinds of pillows and spongy shims and then they put this weird looking white plastic muzzle over your face, but it's all good cause you can still see out of it and then they roll you into a teeny tiny space that makes LOTS of noise and you just have to hold very still. No biggy right?!! Except you can't see anything except the ceiling of this tiny tube you're in, which is only a few inches away from your face and suddenly you're trapped and you can't get out, cause you're head is wedged in like a small dog under a fat lady's ass and you seem to find there isn't enough air to breath and you wonder what is making all that knocking noise till you realize it's just your own racing heartbeat in your plugged up ears. OH HELL NO!!! NO thank you, NOT liking this shit at all.
So I tell this little technician who is working with me, that I don't want to sound crazy, but I'm freaking out in this tiny little tube. And her voice is coming thru the speakers on my head phones which are smashed up against the side of my head and tells me it's very common to experience those feelings and she can bring me back out if I need a minute. OH YOU SILLY WOMAN...if you get me out of here do you honestly think you are ever gonna get me back in?? So I say no, just keep talking to me, cause I freaking out a little and it will help to think I"m not alone. She says, just shut your eyes and relax and listen to the music. Soooooo, I keep taking huge breathes...while I can still suck air all the way in the back of this mile long tube I'm in, and I realize I've got a foot bouncing 90 miles an hour and I"m thinking...this probably doesn't fall under "hold real still", so I'm trying to keep it still and still suck air and she says she's starting the first set of pictures and I'm gonna hear a lot of noise but it's oooooookaaaaaay. So then she starts up the jackhammer and I can't even hear my own heart beat anymore for all the noise going on in this tiny tube. Well GREAT!! I'm just lovin' this shit all to hell!!!! But she kept talking and I kept sucking air....and then, I hear these weird little clicks and I feel some movement and I think...OH THANK YOU JESUS, I'M COMING OUT!!! So I open my eyes. BIG MISTAKE!! There's that fucking ceiling two inches from my face, closing in on me. And with the jackhammer silent, I can now again hear my racing heartbeat in my head. Oh good, now here's a beat I could dance to. So I start singing Ke$ha songs in my head to the beat of my racing heart. She then comes thru my head phones and tells me she's starting the NEXT set of pictures and I'll hear this grinding noise for 2 1/2 minutes, but it's oooooookaaaaaaaaay. BULLSHIT!! It's not OKAY. I'm loosing it in here!!! I just wanna go home!! MOOOMMMMIEEEEEEEE!!!!
And that's when I started wondering where or how I ever got this ridiculous fear of tight spaces. How did this bullshit happen? When I was little, I use to build hay forts with the boys next door. We did some elaborate mazes in those old barns full of the old square hay bales. We had a ball crawling thru those tiny tunnels and finally making it back to the pitch black cavern at the end. I was all of 8 or 9 then. But now I am a grown woman. I'm not scared of the dark, or things that go bump in the night....which is usually a cat or dog I have accidentally displaced rolling over in my sleep. I have wisdom and knowledge. And you couldn't get this mature woman to crawl back down one of those hay fort tunnels for all the money on earth. Gezzzzzzz People and their weird shithead hangups!!! Where do they all come from? Well, after panic attack number 2 in this tiny little tube, I keep my eyes so tightly shut my teeth are aching by the time I'm finally done....oh...was I gritting my teeth too? WHO KNEW??? The whole thing took all of 19 mintues. When she rolls me back out, she gets a look at my white knuckled hands grasping the cord to my headphones and my shirt and she laughs and says something like, Oh MY...you really were a little nervous weren't you. No....silly girl, I wasn't nervous, this was a joy ride. I always keep a death grip on my shirt in case somebody tries to steal it off my back!! I always break out into a sweat in the middle of the afternoon, cause I's a hard worker!!! I always find I suck most of the oxygen out of a room the size of a thimble. NO PROBLEMS HERE!! See, I didn't even wet myself!!!!
Well, somewhere in the midst of trying to say calm and still and not start screaming for the Lord like a black woman at a family funeral....it came to mind that there was a Starbucks just down the road on Wanamaker from where I was lying here surviving the seventh realm of hell. And if I made it out alive, I should take myself there and get me what ever the hell I wanted, cause I deserved a treat for making myself deal with a panic attack I was NOT expecting. The large latte with one shot of vanilla was excellent!!! I hope to God the next doctor who suggests I have another MRI is not within slapping range. They will never know what hit them.
SO, I enjoy my Starbucks treat and finish my errands. I even stopped in to see a friend who never calls or returns my calls or makes any attempt to make a connection with me. I know a LOT of folks like that...anyhoo, it was a good day and I get home and collapse in my recliner. This is where lesson number 2 hits me. We have three sheperd mix dogs. One is an old gal. Mercy is 9 years old...a little on the heavy side as she's been helping herself to puppy chow for almost a year now. The other two are siblings, almost a year old, full of energy and mirth and well, mud at the moment. Now I'm sitting there trying to watch some History Channel thing that was on when I got home, and the two puppies are climbing all over me, so excited to see me. So happy I'm home, so trying to see which one can step on my bladder and make me piss all over my chair. And jealous little angels that they are, they fight over who can get in my face the most...so now I HAVE TO PEE BADLY, thanks guys...and I push them off and make a mad dash to the bathroom, where they race beside me, cause you know they love a good foot race!!!
Well we came back out of the bathroom, and there's my old gal, sprawled out on the floor. Now she doesn't say a word to me...I get a tail thump..she knows I"m pretty good about stepping over her unless it's the middle of the night and I'm doing the bathroom dash in the dark. But here come the puppies and she bares her teeth and gives a low growl. Suddenly, these little hellions gain manners and tippy toe around her so very politely. Once past, they make a dash to Dad and his chair, cause they've been out of the room for a minute or two and they've missed their daddy oh so much!!!! And now they are both up in his chair stomping all over him. I'd yell at them, but he's the fool that started this shit when they were small enough to be lap dogs, so he can deal with them now!!! And I get set back down and try to get back into the show and enjoy my beer and dad yells and they exit his chair, and see that I am once again 'lap ready' and they come running back over to me. Then there's a noise outside and they go tearing thru the house to the doggie door to see what's up and mostly just to get their paws muddy so they can bring it back inside. And then they're back, tearing into the living room right up to Mercy...still sprawled on the floor who once again bares her teeth and growls. Instantly...these puppies become polite and quiet..no running in the house....very cautiously stepping around her oh so carefully, and once past come bounding back 90 miles an hour to our recliners......and I'm watching this unfold...it happened just a few...hundred times...and a thought starts to evolve in my head. I wonder what would happen if I just showed teeth and growled at people. Would they back off and give me my space. Would they stop their bullshit behavior and act right? Would they leave me the hell alone? Hummmmmmmmmmm Truly something I am going to have to try!!! It works for Merc!!!!! I don't know if you can teach an old dog a new trick, but they can certainly teach you one!!!! LOL
And that's just the dill pickle bout THAT!!!!
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