Sunday, November 21, 2010

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Dear Diary,

Well, I'm thinking this will be a far better place to store my hidden thoughts than anywhere else on earth. So...what are my hidden thoughts?

I'm almost to the point of being pissed at God for NOT helping me find a church to attend. I need that...grew up with it...miss it madly....things are spiraling out of control in my world and I need an anchor. But no.....no divine help from above over a good place for me to worship. Maybe that's the point....maybe He's so sick of the way organized religion has gotten He can't even find a decent church.....that's NOT helping my stress levels!!!

I'm overly tired of all the strain in my world...Mr Fixit is still not happy at his new job...he likes the work, hates the politics. My job is insanity with the new computer system bearing down on us and even my boss has no clue how things are going to work, or who is gonna do what when January 1st rolls around. Instead of things slowing down for the end of the year and having a lot of free time to shop and get ready for Christmas, we are all balls to the wall to learn this new system....which just sucks!!! I loved my job....will I love it after the first of the year? Remains to be seen.....Water Boy is recouping nicely from surgery...still has a whole that looks like ribeye steak, but it's smaller and getting better all the time...and I have mastered the Gauze Queen Role better than I could have imagined...now my Bohemian is having emotional meltdowns over the stress of school and work and dyslexia.....I hate to listen to her cry over the phone....rips my soul....I fight the urge to throw on jeans and drive to her little world every time. And then there's the pain in the neck and shoulder, which I have recently learned is NOT because I'm out of alignment...its all just stress.....GREAT!!!! And when you dump all that in a bowl and stir, you'll find it adds a delightful strain on the great thing Mr Fixit and I have...which is the last straw for me.....nowhere to run to now folks!!!!

Christmas is upon us and I can't seem to get excited. Got some stuff ordered on line...and really don't have a lot to get this year...it's all different now. Just cash and a few little things wrapped. Do I like Christmas with adult children? I'm thinking NOT. I miss the Barbie campers and the Leggo sets and the squeals of delight and the wrapping paper bomb that went off in the midst of our holiday gathering. It's not the same anymore, and I'm sad about it. Will their kids bring it all back for me? Will they have kids? If I follow the star will I find the Baby Jesus this year?

Okay...good thoughts....let's find the blessings......After scrubbing the kitchen floor yesterday and getting all the dirt out of those little holes, one of the dogs pissed on it last night!! I find that hysterical....they never pee on the kitchen floor....I guess they had an opinion to share about a clean floor. Hummmmm maybe I should hook them up with a blog too!!! I'm still laughing about it!! And quite frankly I second the motion...Piss on scrubbing this floor on my hands and knees!!

Mr Fixit has the day after Thanksgiving off AND that Saturday too!!! He wants to go car shopping for me!! This is exciting!! We can't find what I want on the net....apparently everyone who owns a Subaru Forrester that's three or four years old wants to hang on to it. I don't like the new body style after 2009...I want an older model...but there are none to be had anywhere within a 100 miles of here....CRAP!!! So we are looking at Honda CRVs...there are several of them around...might end up with one of those....I'm just asking God to hook me up with whatever He knows I'll end up loving....hope He has better luck with a car than a church!!

Thanksgiving is this week...that's a blessing too. It will be good to be around lots of family on both sides...two big meals...two dessert tables....and it will be great to come home to a quiet house at the end of the day...good good good all the way around. The Gypsy is even bringing her new boyfriend to meet the family at my mom's. This is really nice...she's finally found somebody she likes...I hope it lasts.....I have canned vegetables in my kitchen cabinets older than her last few relationships put together!!

I still have mum's blooming in the yard. This is the best of all. I can see them from my home office. They help me tremendously.....hardly little bastards, aren't they!!! They smile and wave and tell me to hang on....I'll have a yard full of blooms again in just a few short months!! Thanks girls....you are the shit!!!!

So, dill pickles all the way around.....and 0 Comments...but then, I don't need them for my private little thoughts now do I!!

Monday, November 15, 2010

The autumn of my discontent

Well, it's just 6:00 and the world outside is dark....I feel like I ought to be getting ready for bed. I hate standard time...the sun is not yet up when I drive to work, and it's setting by the time I get home....where is my sunshine???? I feel like my tropical hybiscus look.....light deprived!!!

I am still stuck playing nurse...which is not now, nor will ever be my strong suit when it comes to open wounds and blood. Still have a damn elephant on my chest...and now I have the pleasure of kicking myself whenever I want to whine about it, cause I think of all the people who have had a loved one dying at home from cancer or something....and I think of how much stress and strain they must go thru...and I'm all out of sorts cause I change gauze twice a day....how lame. It would be better if I could take a long walk on a road with no dust....or play in my flowerbeds..all but dead and put down for the coming winter. The garden is disced and covered with shreaded leaves and needs no care anymore.....and the only thing calling my name these days is the dirty house and I'm pretty much shouting back for that bitch to shut the hell up!!!

I'm still waiting on Mr Fixit's new insurance to send us sign up packets...still waiting to have this tooth worked on that is driving me crazy and to go see a chiropractor about how crappy the neck and shoulders feel...it's even worked it's way down my left arm and it hurts when ever I lift it. Whine whine whine.....I need a trip to a tropical island for a few months....just still spring hits here is all...and I'll be fine...honest I will!!!

Is anybody else getting excited for Christmas? I can't seem to get my game face on and Black Friday is next week....not that I go charging out with the other loonies at 4:00AM, but I do love to hit Michaels before 11:00 and stock up on yarn and the those big jars of scented candles. This year the kids all want money...and I don't have a problem giving that out...it's always the right size and color and goes with everything else they have!!!! But if I'm going to the hassle of putting up our tree, I have to have some gifts underneath of it....just having trouble trying to find little things for each of the kids this year. And then there is all the shopping...which I normally love to do, but NOT on a budget for 16 nieces and nephews or grand nieces and nephews on Mr Fixit's side that I don't have a clue what to buy for...and trying to keep it under a $100.00...which is all he says he's wanting to spend....maybe this year it will be gloves and candy canes for all!!! LOL

I have offically decided to change the name of the company I work for...Fools Inc just no longer fits as we draw closer and closer to the date we are suppose to be going live on the NEW computer system....I think "We Don't Give a Fuck" Inc is far more appropriate as time passes. I must hear that phrase at least three times a day....will any of you people be around once the stock gets paid out????? I'm thinking NOT!! Guess we'll find out.

Okay...well, I'm done talking to myself for now....I think a hot shower and some supper plans are in order. And I have a kick ass book about a psychic in an old civil war house to finish too!!! Wait...it's Monday....that' means I have some shows on tonight I like to watch.....hell I can't even remember which ones they are...but it's all good...the DVR is set to tape them...guess I'll just wait to see what pops up on my recordings and then say..."Oh yeah...I love that show!!!"

I'm not even sure there's a dill pickle to these ramblings...but it's Monday, and I have survived...so who gives a rat's ass!!! :)

Monday, November 1, 2010

The aftermath...

So, Water Boy had surgery on Friday....just a simple out patient thing to remove a cyst on his lower back....which turned out to be three and a crater hole that the surgeon refers to as his 'shark bite'. Yeah...it's huge and nasty....and NOT what I was expecting at all.

So we get home around 2:30 and he is feeling pretty good for surgery and all...the recover nurse suggests we start him off on something light, like chicken noodle soup and crackers...just in case the anesthesia messes with him....so five minutes after we leave the hospital, we pull into McDonalds cause he is jonesing for a double cheese burger and fries.....okay...we may not be the best ones to follow the rules...but I really did try....honest....but actually he pretty much had me hooked with the fries.....so....we get home and he settles into my computer desk to play on line for a while and I start up laundry and making a shopping list for the big Aldi's/Walmart run and he starts calling for me in this weird voice and so I walk back into my computer room to see what's up....and he's in the bathroom....I can tell he's in the bathroom cause there's a trail of blood from the computer to the bathroom....he was sitting on two big bed pillows and both of them are soaked clear thru with blood and it's on the chair....which he is apologizing to me for, but I can't hear him, cause my eyes are glued to all the blood from my baby boy all over this room.....OH MY GOD!!!!!! He's BLEEDING TO DEATH OH HELP ME JESUS LORD, LOOK AT ALL THIS BLOOD!!!!!!!!
(followed by hysterical screaming....)

Now...that's what I said...loudly....in my head.....no body else heard it...cause I can do that when I get really scared and freak out....I can just stand there with this dazed look on my face...but inside I am going off like a black woman at a family funeral...loud...hystercial...spare no dramatics. And I turn to my son...who is sitting over the toilet....still in my flannel pants and all the bandages from surgery and you can hear the blood dropping drop my drop into the toilet water every second....sounded like a second hand grandfather clock ticking....and I am grasping for a sane thought....like oh I don't know...WHERE'S MY FUCKING PHONE!!!!!!!

Soooo I call the surgeon's office...and I get a nurse...who patronizingly tells me there is to be some drainage...that's normal....and I calmly inform her that there is blood dripping everywhere and this is a little more than drainage and I'd like to get it stopped ASAP preferable before my son bleeds to death...what would she suggest...... Now in my mind, I'm plotting the fastest drive back to Lawrence Memorial and how I am gonna get my baby to the van and loaded in comfortably and how many blankets, pillows and plastic trash bags to keep the blood off my car seat that I'm going to need and this crazy calm bitch on the other end of the line starts talking about just apply pressure to the incision. Well dear...there isn't an INCISION...it's a big ass fucking hole here...so she tells me to go ahead and put pressure over the hole and see if I can stop the bleeding. And then suggests I call back in 15 if I haven't slowed the bleeding any. Oh you idiot from hell, do you have any idea who you are talking too????? At this point in the game, the room's tempature has gone up 25 degrees...I want to start peeling clothes it's just way to hot in here....my ears are plugged and all I can clearly hear is my own heart beat....all the colors in the room have faded to black and white and off shades of gray....I can't breathe...OMG look at all this blood!!!!!!!

Some how....I'm voting it was the grace of God, I grab hold of my son and we make it to the livingroom and he lays down on the futon...fuck the plastic...I'd never make it back to him...and I put some pressure on his back over all the blood soaked gauze and close my eyes and try to breathe....Now Water Boy...he's a little shaken, but he takes one look back at me and starts laughing...MOM...you are white as a sheet...are you okay??? SURE...SURE I AM...I always look like this on Friday afternoons....But he reaches back and puts his hand over mine and says "I got this mom...go sit down somewhere and have a smoke and relax....it will be okay" SO....I do, I leave my bleeding child to hold his own wound and grab a smoke and take a step outside til I am cool and I no longer hear the my heart beat in my ears...and I think...how pathetic of you sister, get your ass back in there and take care of your boy...sooooo I do. I go back in and apply some more pressure, but we still have blood flowing and I am to the point I may not be able to hold some foul words and screaming back....but just as I reach for my cell phone...with blood stained hands, mind you, it starts ringing...it's the surgeon's office calling...this time it's a nurse who has talked to the surgeon...and has undeserved blessings tend to show up at just the right time in my life, it's a woman I know from school...her daughter graduated with my bleeding son, no less...so she tells me exactly what to do and how to do it and for how long and together we get the bleeding to stop.....then she tells me she will swing over on Saturday and have a look if I'd like and she gives me her cell phone number so I can call her if we have any more problems that night...BLESS HER HEART!!!!

SO HALLELUJAH...we get the bleeding to stop....we get all the blood soaked outer gauze replaced with dry clean stuff and he is laying down quietly and in no pain...THANK YOU LORD, and I smoke one more cigarette and start in on clean up....pillows and towels and sheets and blankets....everything off the futon and the rugs in the bathroom.....I have to mop blood off of floors and off the toilet seat and down the hall to the living room.....looks like we had a murder in the house....but I get it all thru the laundry and cleaned up and keep a dreadful close eye on him. If he moved it bled. If he had to get up to pee, it bled. If he rolled over to take pills or eat, it bled. The only time it seemed to stay quiet is when he laid on his stomach...and then he got cramps in his back after a while and he'd have to roll, get up, go pee...something...and it would start up again......two rolls of paper towels later......and a couple more blanket changes off the futon...we had made it thru the night and into the next day....when Pam came over and changed out all the outer layers of gauze and brought a huge supply with her for me to continue using. Saturday was better, Sunday was better than that...today we went in to the surgeon's office and he changed out the inner packing to this huge gaping hole and showed me how to do it...which I will have to do twice a day for the next week. I did not pass out during this demonstration...but the room did start getting way to hot for a little bit.

So....I HAVE to do this...and I will. This is my son, he has to have this packing changed twice everyday to heal right...and there is no one else that is around to do it for him...so I'm gonna do this, and I will do it right and I'll make it thru, cause I have to....for him.....but in the mean time, any suggestions on how to get this elephant off my chest? It's two days later and I am still a nervous wreck inside...oh I can function beautifully....almost got all my Monday work done even being gone the last half of the day, but inside....I can still hear that black woman carrying on and on and on. Something about blood that I just can't handle. Well, I'm a pro at scrapped knees and the like....I can handle a bloody nose or your average cut...but you get it flowing out of person or animal and I start loosing it. Why is that?!!! I can't even watch somebody getting stuck with a needle!!!!! You can puke all over me or my house...no biggy. I can clean up the worst diaper ever known to mankind...not a problem. But bleed profusely and I may very well be going down. I HATE THAT!!! It's absoluetly shameful, but that's how it is. And I am gonna be way out of my comfort zone pulling gauze out of and stuffing it back in a huge hole in my son's back. But I'm gonna get it done....and scream for all I'm worth inside. Oh yes, and carry this damn elephant around on my chest....breathing...it's SOOO over rated!!!!
And that's pretty much the dill pickle about my weekend.