Okay...so it's been a really shitty week. Work was overwhelming for many reasons...but that will pass and I'll be back in the grove shortly...and Aunt Flo is hanging around for the weekend, so I feel like hell, but the day itself has been restful and restoring. We spend the day with Mr. Fixit's mom..who was born and raised in England...so I LOVE talking with her..and she and I played in her flowerbeds spreading a dozen bags of mulch over all her flower beds and weeding. Well, I worked...she sat in a lawn chair and kept me company and that arrangement suits both of us beautifully...Mr Fixit?...he was fixing stuff...DUH??!!!!! And then we got home and rushed around and went to a little patio dinner party with some friends and that was really peaceful as well...I still feel like shit, but the company and the surroundings are wonderful. Mr Fixit enjoys the evening as well...maybe a little too much...no biggy...I was sipping ice tea and Coke with all the Advil I was popping so I'll drive home. Nothing but a thing folks.
And then the game begins...you know the one I'm talking about?!! It's the game all male, testosterone bearing, brain damaged men get involved in at one point in time or the other. You could call it "Who has the biggest balls" or maybe "Who can act more brain dead", but I prefer to call it a game of Who's the biggest asshole. A contest actually...and we all know how competitive males can be!!
We are driving down N Topeka Blvd..in front of the Pad....an all time favorite hang out of mine in years gone by...and this jerk off in a red Ford Ranger suddenly darts into our lane from the other just missing our truck...I'm behind the wheel of Mr. Fixit's BABY, you remember...and the other car in the other lane. Now who the fuck does this little dick weed think he is??? Tony Stewart? Dale Jr? Some awesome NASCAR driver in his own little brain damaged mind? ONE POINT in the ASSHOLE GAME. He's an asshole...oh shit...let the games begin!! SO NOW..Mr Fixit is pissed as hell at the guy who just about ran into our truck and he...having consumed his favorite elixir to the point he is not feeling any pain is hanging out the window screaming at this fool when we catch up to him...pulling into the parking lot between Pizza Hut and Hardees just before the clover leaf. I am being shouted out to pull in behind him...but me...I have other plans...Like can we just get the fuck home so I can wind down..play with my puppies and other beloved four legged children and have a few beers now that the dozens of Advil I have consumed have finally kicked in and I actually feel like having a few!!! Besides...hanging out the window shouting cuss words at a brain damaged person...even though I have done this myself on numerous occasions is also ONE POINT in the ASSHOLE GAME...so the score is now even...GREAT!! Call it a draw, this chick is headed home!!! I take the ramp onto 24 and we are heading east...HALLELUJAH!!
But no...this jerk off in the red ford can not allow the score to be tied. He follows us and just about the time the highway turns to 65 mph, he comes flying by again, whips right in front of us and slams on his brakes...you do still remember I am behind the wheel of Mr Fixit's precious BABY right?? SO I have to slam on the brakes...sending my cooler slaming into the back of our cab and just missing this truck with the new leading point holder in the Who's the BIGGEST ASSHOLE game. I'm pissed now..but not really interested in playing this game... I hate to start in when there are already points on the board...so I whip around this TWO POINTS game leader and floor the truck...let's get a little space between him and us while I am behind the wheel, shall we??? But NO...Mr Fixit..you remember him right?? Feeling no pain...and now really really pissed off...hangs out the window and tells this guy something about his momma driving better blindfolded...or some shit like that...and I'm pretty sure there was some name calling...but the real point is.....TWO POINTS for Mr Fixit...now the score is tied again...well FUCK!!!! So I am flying down the highway now...and here comes that little son of a bitch again...passing two other vehicles in his apparently usual NASCAR weaving style and he comes up on our right side and throws something out his window which hits Mr Fixit's truck...OH GOD NO...you did NOT just touch his BABY. .......Now at this point in time...we have determined it was a beer can and from the sound of it, it was full...so we have a delima here..cause I'm thinking throwing something at a car going down the high way is another point in the Who's the BIGGEST ASSHOLE game...but a FULL BEER???? I'm trying to get home to be able to kick back and drink one and you are wasting a full one throwing it at somebody on the highway???? DUDE!!! You are fucking goofy!!! That HAS to be yet another point, doesn't it? Shit...now he's up to FOUR points in the game...
Well Mr Fixit is beside himself...thinking there has got to be some big ass dent in his precious truck and foam is now being spewed all over the cab of the truck from his rapid mouth and he is looking for something to beat the living shit out of this fool and demanding I follow this little prick on some high speed chase as the little truck has zoomed off ahead of us. Well Mr "I'm two points ahead in WHO'S THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE game" gets off the highway at K4 and heads north...I....on the other hand am a girl on a mission...Get my fat ass home while I still feel like less than warm shit and have a few beers and wind it down..so I am not about to follow this little weasel to what ever shithole he crawled out of...even if Mr Fixit will not speak to me for the rest of the night for making him loose the Who's the Biggest Asshole game. I continue on down the highway and tell the ole man I can't believe he made me a part of his stupid ass game in the first place. Kill the fucking prick some other time my love, but NOT when I'm with you...Momma don't play the Asshole game!! Got it??!!!!!!
Sooooo we make it home without any other contestants challenging Mr Fixit to yet another manly man game of Who's the Biggest Asshole and low and behold his precious baby...has he pours over the entire side of his truck, has no marks...no dents....no scratches........and I'm thinking Congrats you incompetent piece of shit...that would be POINT FIVE and you have won the game!!! You throw a full beer at a truck and can't even leave a mark? What kind of lame piece of shit are you?? This GIRL could hit a highway sign at 55 miles an hour with an empty beer bottle and shatter it every time and you can't even fuck up a truck with a full beeer? Oh you really are a worthless excuse of a male aren't you honey....go home and see if the ole lady will get your balls out of the dresser drawer so you can hold them for a little while this evening!!
And before you get all judgemental on me...I was NOT slowing down to hit the sign...on the right side of the road...from the left side driver window...back in the day the speed limit was 55 on the highways...Yes...once upon a time the govt thought up this great scheme that sounded like they were concerned with the economy and the fuel shortage, but was really a way to generate more money in tickets and court costs because no fool in their right mind can drive down a smooth stretch of highway at the creeping speed of 55 mph...hell I have trouble keeping it under 75 as it is!!! But that's a whole 'nother story for a 'nother time!!!
So...after the week from the seventh realm of hell at work...and the delightful visit of my sweet sweet Aunt Flo...I got to enjoy a robust game of Who's the Biggest Asshole...and although Mr Fixit did join in this game...which he usual does NOT, and why we are still together...he did not WIN the game...which is GREAT, cause I HATE going home with an ASSHOLE WINNER!!!
And finally I am calm.....Advil still working...puppies asleep at my feet....big blue eyed cat in my face helping me key....he'd be more help if he went and got me another beer!!! And once again peace has resumed over my world...and THAT..my wonderful readers....is the dill pickle 'bout that!!! Smoochies....time for one more and put a couple limes down the neck for me will ya?!!!!
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