Ice Cream Sandwiches

So, I was in Dillon's on Saturday. I had to run to Lawrence to pick up some car parts for the Homecoming King's car. Something about it was clicking or grinding or something like that when ever he turned to the right....or maybe it was left....any hoo...Mr Fixit had him drive it up on the car ramps he got for Father's Day last year and looked under neath and knew right away how to make it right...something about boots and drive shaft...or maybe it was shaft boots and drive train...who the hell cares....so, he called it in and they ordered it and all I had to do was pick it up. Of course the next day I had to go back for more parts...and look like a fricken idiot to the young little prick behind the parts counter...but that's a whole nother story. I don't mind those runs when I just have to walk in and the parts are waiting for me.....and I happen to see that Dillon's had rib eyes on sale. Now Mr Fixit, he as a full time hankerin' for ribeyes...so any time they're is a decent sale....I'm all over it. And so I stopped at Dillon's to pick some up....cause Mr Fixit is a grill master deluxe and I can't even go out for dinner and order steak....they aren't ever as good as what he pulls off the grill...call me spoiled...you'd be right...but if I'm eating steak...it's a ribeye, and it's off Mr Fixit's grill. So I grab the ribeyes and I'm headed to dairy for milk and I pass by the freezer section and suddenly.....out of no where....I am overcome with a hankerin' of my own. I want some ice cream sandwiches. You know what I'm talking about....just this sudden desire to have some special favorite treat from childhood. Of course you do!!

So, I start in the ice cream isle. Common sense right??? I walk the entire length of the freezer section looking at every kind of ice cream and container and brand under the sun...and it took up an entire isle....tugging my little hand basket of steaks and a gallon of milk along for the ride....and NO. NO I'm sorry, no ice cream sandwiches....and I'm thinking...this can't be right...so I go back down the same fricken isle I just came up and I look again...I've been known to miss something right in front of my face....so yeah, let's give it one more try...it's got to be here...where the hell else would you stash ice cream sandwiches....but NO..NO I"m sorry, nothing but ice cream. Yes, the sandwiches are full of ice cream and truly what would be the difference, but NO damnit...I want the damn sandwiches....so I try the isle marked with frozen snacks....I'd have put it with the ice cream, but then I am know for my weirdness, so I try that ilse....NO...pizza snacks and mozzarella sticks and all kinds of crap that sounds good, but NO...I want them fricken ice cream sandwiches....

Now it has become a quest...a quest for the holy grail of where in the hell did you fools stash the fucking ice cream sandwiches....I have noticed that the steaks I picked out are gaining pounds by the second and the milk is weighting in at a ton...the basket handles are cutting into my arm and cutting off circulation, but I can't stop...I can't accept defeat...I HAVE TO HAVE SOME DAMN ICE CREAM SANDWICHES!!! By now my hair is sticking out on both sides...I shoved it into high gear....my eyes are blood shot and scanning every inch of space in the freezer section....WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY?!!!!!! I am a crazed woman ready to be committed...and suddenly...I spot him....the poor schmuck they have stocking the shelves during crazy woman shopping hour. And I hone in on him like a tigress going for her next meal. He looks up and goes into shock...not unlike that paralyzed freeze small animals have been know to assume when a lion roars...as he looks into the eyes of an insane woman on a mission....who is hissing at him....Where in the hell do you fools keep your ice cream sandwiches???!!!!!! He's confused...what is this crazy woman's problem...she's acting like a diabetic missing her insulin shot....Is that foam coming from the sides of her mouth? What the hell is she on???? But he is on the clock...so he gets off his little case of green beans to help me find them...he's thinking they are on isle five hundred and thirty seven with the ice cream...NO NO I"ve been up and down that isle...they aren't there...they aren't there...oh for the love of God they just aren't THERE!!!!! But yes....we take yet more more trip down the ice cream doors of hell...and he takes longer than I did to scan each doorway for my will to live....but son of a muther this young twit with eyes far better than mine can't FIND THEM EITHER!!! He suggested I just get some ice cream....cause I guess he thought that would be good since he could find THAT....oh sure...like there isn't an ENTIRE ILSE of it for you to point out!!! You'll be happy to know he is still breathing...I didn't even mame him!!!!

Okay...it's official...there is no God....there is no hope for mankind....even the pimple faced stock boy can't find them!!!! By now my fingers have gone blue from lack of blood...the little hand basket I've got wedged in the crook of my arm may have to become a permanent fixture as it's cutting so deep it may take surgeons to remove it....all hope is gone....I take the steaks to the check out in pure misery. Oh sure...Mr Fixit gets his special treat, BUT WHAT ABOUT ME!!!!! Oh the unfairness of it all!!! I wasn't asking for diamonds or furs....or even long stem roses....I just wanted one simple special treat and even that was denied me.........

BUT, you see, I didn't get to be an old hateful woman without my resources....I STILL have options....and I thought about this as I drove back home with car parts for the HomeComing King and steaks for Mr Fixit...and my poor old worn out van...she knew I couldn't go home without MY special treat....and she turned...I shit you not...she turned all on her own down the little front street of our delight one horse town to the grocery store...where all the red necks of southern Jefferson County go to do their Saturday tradin'. And I, a frequent visitor to this store, knowing where to find all the goodies in each isle....make a beeline for the freezer section. I think I may have knocked down an old lady, and possibly shoved aside a child, but no matter...I was a WOMAN ON A MISSION...and everyone knows missions in life may have a few casualties...and there...there in a shimmering halo of gold they were.....right behind those freezer doors...FOUR, I say FOUR different kinds!!! I had to by two of them....they were CALLING TO ME....THEY KNEW MY NAME!!!!!! I barely made it thur the check out before ripping open a box. Like an alcoholic on withdraws I tore into a box rendering it useless to ever be shut back up with that little flappy thing ever again before I even left the parking lot. And I pulled back into my driveway a short time later, a sane woman back from errands, with ice cream breath and those little chocolate stains at the corners of my mouth. Quickly wiped away as I entered the house to erase all evidence....oh I am SO NOT sharing these...I smirked as I hid then in the very bottom and back of the side by side freezer section of my fridge.

YES..... YES Virginia there is a Santa Clause...and he stocks the freezer section at my local grocery store. THANK GOD for all the other rednecks in this county who buy enough ice cream sandwiches that our little store still stocks FOUR KINDS!!!!!! Some times ya gotta be tough in this life people. Sometimes, ya gotta stand up for what you believe in and hold your ground til you get WHAT YOU WANT. That's just the world we live in, and THAT's the DILL PICKLE 'BOUT THAT!!! ;)